Monday, April 30, 2007

I know this is supposed to be a day of silence, but my sitemeters tell me I’m getting my usual visitors, so I’m going out on a limb and posting something I hope you’ll like. This was my March Loose Threads column:

Back in the old days, quilt patterns were named for everyday things that surrounded the folk artists who created them. Since almost all the working hours I spend at my day job are at the computer, and every so often my mind wanders a bit, I have a few ideas for some new quilt designs. I offer them to you along with a vague idea of what each one should look like.

The Web: This quilt will be made from a very captivating and time consuming pattern. Just when you think you have it finished, another shape or color will pop up and demand to be included. This quilt will command the undivided attention of any onlooker. Other responsibilities of the quilter, such as food, water, and rest, may suffer.

The Blog: This quilt will be an interesting conglomeration of darks on one side and lights on the other. Which side is up will depend on your mood.

The Address Bar: Very long and narrow, with ‘Magic Carpet’ capabilities. Being unable to determine the difference between what you said and what you meant to say, this one will take you exactly where you tell it to whether you really wanted to go there or not.

Email Inbox: The corner where you keep this work in progress will be filled to overflowing with scraps on days that you have little or no time to deal with it and completely empty on the days you are looking for something interesting to do.

The Ebay: This quilt will evoke images of lots of things you didn’t know you couldn’t live without. It will seem cheap at first, but once you get going on it, it gets more and more expensive.

The SPAM: This one is going to be ugly and consist of hundreds, possibly thousands of tiny, useless bits of fabric that you don’t want. Some of the fabrics may even be offensive, but the harder you try to get rid of them, the more they accumulate.

Windows: This quilt will look big enough, but it really won’t cover as much as you expected it to. It will always make sure you are made aware of all the expensive add-ons and downloads that are available to make it seem more complete.

Software: The Software quilt seems necessary at first, but once you get it done, it just sits in the corner. In some cases it’s free, but it only works for 30 days and then you have to either dump it or pay for it.

The Mouse: Small and slippery, this quilt will make small clicking noises at random intervals, causing lights to turn off and on or window shades to open and close. It’s usefulness will be called into question until the day it clicks on the minus sign and successfully minimizes a complaining spouse, causing him to disappear into cyber-limbo until you are ready to deal with him again.

The Dubya Dubya Dubya: Lots of Americana in this one.

The Crash: You don’t even want to go there. This quilt will disappear completely, without a moment’s notice and usually at the moment of your most critical need. It will take everything with it; leaving no trace of fabrics, pattern or even thread. The only way to restore it will be to start all over from scratch.

Sorry if I offended anyone by not being silent.

Meanwhile, I do pray that the healing continues for all those who are wounded emotionally, spiritually and physically by random acts of violence.


LaDawn said...

Very cleaver post! I am submitting it to Digg!!!!

LaDawn said...

and check out this post I found when I submitted yours.

Janell said...

Thanks for the Digg! I couldn't follow this link. What is the last word in the address?