Monday, November 02, 2009


Okay, here’s the deal. I wrote a personal column called Country Roads for the Blair Enterprise from 1992-1994 or so. And then I wrote one I called Happy Trails (my attempt to be Spiritually insightful) for our church newsletter from the late 90s through 2001 or so. And then I wrote one called Loose Threads (it was mostly about quilting) for Country Lanes magazine for a couple of years. So since I am having trouble finding time to come up with new stuff for this blog, I am going to start posting reruns from one or the other of the three columns I used to write. This will be my chance to make all the corrections I wish I had made before they hit the news stands, so some of them will be edited for… well… whatever they need to have edited out of them in order to make me look more intelligent.

Here’s one from Country Lanes September 2006:

21st Century technology provides us with endless opportunities to buy gadgets. The one that captured my imagination recently is the communications service that comes with certain makes of new vehicles. According to the radio ads, a calm friendly voice speaks to someone who is on the brink of panic because they have just locked their keys in the car with a couple of toddlers. The tech sends out a signal to the car from some remote location, unlocks the car and the caller bids adieu singing the praises of the company and its representatives.

What we really need to do is get our sewing rooms logged onto this emergency communications network. Then, at the touch of a button, we could get on the line with someone who could send out a satellite signal and locate our add-a-quarter when it goes missing. All the while, this person would be speaking in soothing tones; the conversation might go something like this:
Rep: “You’ve reached the Sewing Room Rescue Network. What can I do for you today?”
Quilter: “You’ve gotta help me! My add-a-quarter is buried on my sewing table and I need to get this project finished by tomorrow!!
Rep: “Okay, ma’am, we’re here to help you. I’m just now sending out a signal and your add-a-quarter should begin to beep any second now so you’ll be able to find it.”
Quilter: “Yes! I hear it now! Oh thank you so much! I’ll name my first grandchild after you!”

The Sewing Room Rescue Network would be absolutely invaluable when it’s time to rethread and set the Serger to a new stitch. That might require its own satellite hookup: they could be kept pretty busy.
Rep: “How can I help you today?”
Quilter: “I’m desperate! U have to get this dress hemmed in time for my daughter’s wedding and I can’t get the Serger set for the blind stitch. I’ve tried rethreading and resetting a dozen times and it’s just not working! Help!”
Rep: Okay, ma’am, try to calm down. I’m locating you in our directory and I see you have the Turbo 4740 Model. What you need to do is hold your tongue out the left side of your lip as you thread the needles. And ONLY use your right foot on the footfeet when you get ready to go. But remember, this routine only works on the first Tuesday of the month, so if you need to hem another dress next week, use ONLY your LEFT foot. Would you like me to stay on the line with you while you try that?”
Quilter: “Yes, would you, please?”
Rep: “I’d be happy to. That’s what we’re here for.”
Quilter: Okay, I’ve got it threaded now…. Stepping on the footfeet…. It works! Oh, thank you! You’re the greatest!”
This Sewing Room Rescue Network could also provide emergency supplies of fabric when you only need one more fat quarter to finish, Or just another half spool of thread when you run out and you only one more row to go.
Wait a minute: you already have a Sewing Room Rescue Network. It’s called your local quilt shop!


Jim said...

Quilter: My sewing machine has a loud knock. Just like a car motor with a very loose rod.

Rep: I'll check that for you. For sure your machine doesn't have any rods unless you are making a quilted window curtain.

Quilter: No, it's like a loose piston connecting rod knock. Not a curtain rod at all.

Rep: Ok, then if it's like a car motor perhaps it is low on oil.

Quilter: That's it. Thank you. I'm setting my machine out on the curb in the morning.

Rep: We can't come pick it up, please call our repair number.

Quilter: I don't want your "help" any more. Someone mechanically minded will take it home and fix it for themselve. CLICK.
BTW, glad you're posting these. I will check back.

Cliff said...

Good idea on the re posts. I could use this technology in many parts of my life.
Again, it's good to have you back.

Janell said...

Good add-ons, Jim!

Thanks, Cliff. Yes, I have long list of "do overs" in my real life.

Shirley said...

Bob needs a fishing tackle locator network.